I Choose Hope

Knees Up!

This was around the 11th mile when we headed in to Golden Gate Park so I was apparently still having a good time.  Photo credit goes to my mom who was as tenacious as any paparazzi following Lindsey Lohan or Britney Spears for the whole weekend.  There wasn't a single memorable moment that wasn't documented on film.  Gracias mom.

New Hair Milestone!

It combs down and I have a part!  I adventured to being a brunette for about 24 hours last week and immediately went back to being blonde.  And now it combs down!  This is exciting.  I almost have bangs.  But not quite.  Wispies.  Tomorrow I go back for one more dose of bleach to make it platinum.  It is a big goldie right now and I want it to be like Gwen Stefani's.

I'm working on my photos from the marathon so hopefully I can post those later tonight.  I already can't wait for next year's marathon.

I'm Nervous This Week

It is about that time. My first check up with Dr. Priya since I have been released in to the wild, cancer free. It is her first day back from maternity leave, too. I've read from many other cancer survivors that these weeks can be tough. Emotional. Scary. It is like going to meet with a parole officer (not that I have ever had one...so I hear ;) ). Until I hear her say the words "You're ok" I am a complete wreck. I confess my mind is racing all over the place. Will my blood work look alright? Will she feel any swollen lymph nodes during the exam? Is the cancer back? I suppose my exam on Thursday is more like a mid-term than a final though. I don't have a CT or PET scan that day so there won't be any official look at my insides. That is scheduled for around February. I'd like to have them once a week, just to ease my mind, but they aren't really all that good for you to begin with. Being injected with radioactive isotopes seems very Jack Bauer & 24, but unfortunately you can't have them all that often. I am already at greater risk for so many things from the long term effects of chemotherapy, radiation, etc.

All of that being said, I'm feeling great about Thursday. Physically I have been feeling just fine. Sleeping a little better, less insomnia, no night sweats, adios hot flashes (see ya in menopause. Lucky me, get them twice in my lifetime!), walking and doing yoga without feeling totally arthritic...its all GOOD.

Congratulations Lincoln & Lindsey on the baby girl. Does she have a name yet?

Happy Monday!

Yo, Vinnie!!

One of the best parts of the Nike Women's Marathon was seeing my friend Vinnie and his wife Katie on the course.  Vinnie and I met through Team in Training in 2001 when he did the Rock N Roll Marathon and I did the Anchorage Midnight Sun marathon.  Vinnie joined TNT to raise money and run in memory of his father who died of leukemia.  Vinnie and I have stayed in touch over the years - so it was an emotional moment for me to see him jumping up and down waving to me near the Golden Gate Bridge.  Thanks, Vin! :)  And early CONGRATULATIONS to you and Katie on the upcoming arrival of your first child.  Yay!!

Silver Linings of Cancer...

Today I received an email from a high school friend of mine.  She was one of my best friends in high school, and while we don't stay in contact much anymore, she and her 11 year old daughter have been very supportive during my battle with cancer.  Her young daughter Chloe gave a gift to someone that she doesn't even know, and she did this for me - and she doesn't even really know me either.  When I wonder about why I got cancer, I enjoy stories like this that let me focus on the good things about a cancer journey.  Chloe wrote a paper for her English class and here is a part of it...with some photos that showcase her unselfish gift.

I used to enter in the longest ponytail contest in the Iowa State Fair every year and I even won first place in 2005!  Last April, my mom took me to get my hair trimmed and right at that moment I decided to cut it off.  You see, we had been praying and praying and saying mass for my mom’s friend, Amy, who we had just found out, has cancer.  So, when we got to the beauty shop, I decided to chop it off in honor of Amy since my mom told me that she was probably going to lose her hair.  I thought my mom was crying because I wanted to cut my hair, but she was actually crying because she knew it would go to someone who could use it.  We took a picture and sent my hair away to Locks of Love where it was used to make a wig for a child who has cancer.  When I went to school the next day the girls were freaking out because my hair had been SO long and now it was shorter.  It has grown out a little and I am pretty sure that I will donate my hair again when it gets longer. 

            I though that moving was going to be so hard, but there have been so many good things that have happened since I moved to O'Neill and I don't think I would ever move again.  Sometimes I might not like what is going on, and I might get sad or depressed about it but if I change my attitude, I can see the bright side of things.  Like my mom’s friend Amy.  If she had never had cancer, I might have still been selfish and not cut my hair.  But now, there’s a child out there who is hopefully using what I didn’t really need.  Amy’s cancer is gone now, too, and my mom says that she can also see the bright side of things!  Even though I didn’t want to move, I know that the Lord was really looking out for us when my mom got the job offering to move here because I am so happy now!

I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends supporting me and doing good things for other people  Thanks Val for sharing this, and Chloe - you look beautiful for your "short" hair that is still REALLY LONG!

New Friends

Thank you to all of the new friends from TNT that have sent me email this week or left comments here on the blog. I have been asked "Can I buy an I Choose Hope t-shirt on here anywhere?" Well, wow, I am flattered to be asked that, but have to confess, I am just a girl with a blog in a condo here in San Francisco. :) I never imagined that it might be something that people other than my immediate friends and family wanted to read.

I started the blog after being overwhelmed with phone calls and emails when receiving the news that I had cancer. It felt like a good way to share the news with everyone since I could not return all of the calls and emails personally. I joked that I thought I needed a cancer publicist to issue my statements, make the phone calls, open the mail, organize the gifts, harass the paparazzi (if only)!

Phone trees felt a bit antiquated. Making 10 phone calls a day that each lasted an hour and usually were all filled with tears was exhausting me. So to me, it felt like the perfect place to share everything. Also, I really like that it is a place for everyone to leave comments. Suddenly, Team Bartlett was taking shape. There is a tremendous sense of community on this blog when I read the comments from my mom and sister, and work colleagues like SYB (which stands for Shake Your Booty! Funny story.) My cousin Katie started posting comments from her twin baby girls that we have nicknamed "The Cupcakes". Everyone in my life wanted to feel like they had a spot on the team. I knew it was my responsibility to organize that, and let them participate. Whether my friends lived here in San Francisco, or on the east coast, or in Singapore (Hi Aki & Nana!) or in Australia (Hi Luke & Mac!).

I would like to share some photos of my new friends from the weekend! Thank you for sending them to me, I am keeping them in my 'lymphoma files' as a part of my journey with cancer.  Thank you for sharing your stories of how you Choose Hope in your own life.  That inspires me.

Magical Weekend

I have been trying to come up with words that would accurately describe my marathon weekend.  I am still at a loss.  As I have been retelling the story to my friends, I seem to keep saying things like magical, surreal, unbelievable, inspirational, touching, incredible, exciting, and...hopeful.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think the experience would be so rich for me.  Allow me to try and explain as I recap come highlights.

Friday night I was invited to speak to the top fund raisers at the Starlight Lounge in the Sir Francis Drake Hotel.  I would guess there were a couple hundred people there - most of whom raised a minimum of $7,500 to be invited to the party.  I was nervous to give my speech.  The room was small and intimate, people were close to me.  The subject matter is still very emotional to me, I could not get through a practice-run in my own bathroom staring at the mirror without crying.  I got through most of this evening without tears, until the very end.  Saying the words "I am a survivor" gets me every time.  I met so many wonderful people that night.  Everyone told me stories of why they were there, why they are connected to the disease, I even met some fellow survivors.  (Hi Kim!  Love the curly hair!)

Saturday flew by.  I shopped around Union Square with my mom and aunt for a bit, and then went for a sound check at the Moscone Center.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?  I remember thinking "This room is ginormous!"  I was terrified when I thought the next time I walked in it would be filled with people.  I went home for a wardrobe change, and a quick hair & make up touch up - then returned.  Walking in to the Moscone with everyone was just the surge of energy I needed to get pumped for the speech to everyone.  I was excited now.  Nerves - gone.

I was thrilled that my oncologist,  Dr. Priya Chakravarthi, was able to attend and sit at our table with us.  She is such an amazing woman.  She was originally going to walk with us, but she had a baby boy in early August so she couldn't make it.  Next year!  As The Penguin was introducing me, I took a deep breath and took the stage.  I couldn't believe I wasn't nervous.

Standing ovations are an interesting thing.  I mean, I have participated in them so many times.  I have been the recepient of them two times now.  It was surreal (back to that word) to have a room of 8,500 people on their feet clapping for me.  It is weird because on the one hand, I realize I am there to share my story and people were grateful that I shared it.  On the other hand, Dr. Priya was the one that saved my life.  She did all of the hard work, I am simply sharing the story.

I do get it, though.  The day I was diagnosed, I knew it was me for a reason.  There are no accidents.  There was a bigger reason why I was chosen to have this be my path in life.  Like when I was chosen from the audience to be a contestant on The Price Is Right when I was 21.  It was me that had to be the one to finally get called out of contestants row from bidding $1 over the highest bid for a lame grandfather clock.  I was the one that had to go in to give Bob Barker a kiss, the man that lets every woman in the world kiss him, and have him turn his head just in time for it to look like I got dissed by him.  Not cool, Bob!

I digress... I wondered if I would ever know what the reason was that I had been given cancer.  Well, friends, after this weekend, I might be a little closer to knowing why it was me.  Everyone I met this weekend was so warm and generous with sharing their stories with me.  On Sunday, I felt "famous" for the day.  All of my fellow TNT teammates came up to me to say hi.  Thanks for that, you got me through the race!!  Race morning when it was still dark, one darling girl shared with me that she is a survivor and had been afraid to go see the doctor again...but now she was going to go.  Another woman told me she needed to go get her scans checked again but was afraid until she heard me speak.  People thanked me for inspiring them.  I had no idea sharing my story would have such an impact.  I am so humbled.

The race itself flew by.  I had written "Choose Hope" on the back of my t-shirt.  I could hear people yelling for me from way behind "Hey there is Amy!"  I stopped and took so many photos with new friends. (Hi Fergus!)  It blew me away.  For all of the TNT'ers reading this, THANK YOU FOR MAKING MY EXPERIENCE INCREDIBLE.

I confess, I hadn't trained a lick for this event.  I had spent my whole summer getting treatment and feeling generally pretty lousy.  I did do yoga, but that doesn't exactly prime the body to walk 13.1 miles with ease.  And I hadn't really started yoga until early September.  The body is an incredible thing.  It worked for me on Sunday.  As I looked out at Alcatraz, I imagined that was "Chemotherapy Island".  If I wasn't over there, I could do anything.  My walking partners (Jannie, Gina, & Liz) were awesome and helped the time pass.  We had so much fun seeing Mom & Buck at the 11th mile too.  The Half Marathon was my VICTORY LAP!  It was slow, we waved, met new friends, laughed, danced...  it was, in a word, MAGICAL.

I am going to do this particular event EVERY YEAR FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.  I hope to see you all here next year!  Until there is a cure, there is no finish line.

I Run For Life by Melissa Etheridge

Many of you have asked the name of the song that accompanied my slideshow on Saturday night. It is called I Run For Life by Melissa Etheridge. I believe she wrote the song after she became a breast cancer survivor. The lyrics are beautiful and inspiring. It is one of the songs on my "I'm A Survivor" iPod playlist that I would listen to while driving to and from radiation. Every day while driving through Stanford I would play Don't Stop Believin by Journey, and when I left I would play Survivor by Destiny's Child. :)

I Run For Life by Melissa Etheridge

It's been years since they told her about it
The darkness her body possessed
And the scars are still there in the mirror
Everyday that she gets herself dressed
Though the pain is miles and miles behind her
And the fear is now a docile beast
If you ask her why she is still running
She'll tell you it makes her complete

(Chorus)

I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth, for all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your wife
I run for you and me my friend
I run for life

It's a blur since they told me about it
How the darkness had taken its toll
And they cut into my skin
And they cut into my body
But they will never get a piece of my soul
And now I'm still learning the lesson
To awake when I hear the call
And if you ask me why I am still running
I'll tell you I run for us all

Chorus

And someday if they tell you about it
If the darkness knocks on your door
Remember her
Remember me
We will be running as we have before
Running for answers
Running for more

Chorus

I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth, for all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your daughter, your wife
For you and me my friend
I run for life

I run for your mother, your sister, your wife
I run for you and me my friend
I run for life

Hi, New Team in Training Friends!

I met so many wonderful new people this weekend that I am proud to now call my friends. Thank you for what you did to raise money and awareness for leukemia and lymphoma. The money YOU raised has helped save my life. It is saving thousands of lives. You should be very proud of what you have done.

You can email me at [email protected]

I will be spending time this week putting together recaps of the weekend events. If we took a photo together over the weekend, please email it so I can include it here. I'd like the rest of my friends and family to know just how extraordinary you are. I'm sure I covered most of the U.S. states, but I have to say the midwest and southern states sure have some amazing people. Kansas, Nebraska, Alabama, Mississippi, New Jersey, Florida, Texas - thank you for saying hi to me along the course. It made it so fun for me and made the time pass quickly.

A very special thank you to everyone at Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. That includes everyone from the Team in Training side, too. Coaches, captains, mentors, team managers, etc...you inspire me! I feel honored that you asked me to participate in the events over the weekend. It was such a special weekend for me to celebrate my life in my favorite city with my friends and family. I hope you will have me back again because I think I am addicted. :)

I hope you're all home safely. See you here next year. I will be doing this event every year for the rest of my life.

Pasta Party Was Mad Fun

Surreal...I can't believe how special tonight was for me. I was honored to have been asked to share my story with all of the Team In Training participants. My highlight was having Dr. Priya at my table. She saved my life. We L-O-V-E her! Not L-U-V, we L-O-V-E her!

I was so inspired by all of the people that I met after the party. Thank you for coming up to me and sharing your stories with me. If you would like to email me personally, I have set up a special Gmail account for this. I feel like I made so many new friends tonight and would really love to hear from you again. Please feel free to email me at [email protected].

Another crazy experience for me was being greeted after the party ended by four girlfriends that I went to high school with that I had not seen since graduation in 1989. (Yikes, I am getting old!) Hi Jenny, Nicole, Maria, and Terra (and Speedy!) -- it was an incredible treat to see you all. And PS you all look so fantastic! Have fun tomorrow and see you tomorrow night at the Victory Party. :)

I have to go to sleep because we have the race tomorrow. I am sure my coach would slap my wrist for being up this late already!

Have a great time tomorrow - smile & soak up every bit of it.

GO TEAM! Much love... amy