I Choose Hope

Whoops

For the last year I haven't really worried about my hair, for the most part.  It was nice to pack for trips and not have to bother with the blow dryer, flat iron, paddle brush, round brushes, and a sea of products - serum, shine, straightener, hair spray...  It always looked like a travelling salon on the hotel bathroom counter with all of my hair crap.  There is a reason I cried the day Dr. Priya told me "You're going to lose your hair..." while I said, "But my hair is my X!"

So I just arrived in Charlotte, NC for the Wachovia tournament this week.  I have some hair now, that can even be styled with the above mentioned products and tools.  I opened up my suitcase to discover I forgot to pack anything hair related.  It just totally skipped my mind.  Thankfully I packed the go-to baseball cap that is usually reserved for hairmergencies.  Looks like I will be wearing it every day this week.

Serendipitous

That is my new favorite word.  This is what it means:

ser·en·dip·i·tous [ser-uhn-dip-i-tuhs] 

–adjective

1.	come upon or found by accident; fortuitous: serendipitous scientific discoveries.

2.	of, pertaining to, or suggesting serendipity.

3.	good; beneficial; favorable:

Follow me on this quick timeline:

• 2000:  Signed up for the Team in Training program - San Diego Rock N Roll Marathon.  Never knew anyone with leukemia or lymphoma.  Really just wanted to run a marathon and thought this seemed like a good idea.  I broke my ankle (freak, stupid accident) and never completed that marathon.  But I did raise $5,000 for the charity.
• 2001:  Signed up again for TNT after my ankle healed and completed my first marathon in Anchorage, Alaska.  Another $5,000 for LLS!  I also got assigned to work on the Tiger Woods PGA TOUR video game at Electronic Arts (EA SPORTS) this year.  I didn't know a lick about golf.
• 2003:  Signed up with TNT, again, and completed my second marathon in Honolulu, Hawaii.  Five thousand more clams for LLS.
• 2007:  Still working on the Tiger Woods game at EA.  Get diagnosed with lymphoma in March.  I spent the next 8 months in treatment (chemotherapy and radiation + recovery) and am still in remission.  In August of 2007 I begin to pursue a job at Nike Golf.  In Oct I walk the Nike Women's 1/2 Marathon.  It benefits LLS.  In Nov I start my job with Nike.  I am still working with Tiger.  Fast forward to TONIGHT: I am speaking for LLS in the TIGER WOODS CENTER on the Nike Campus.

I think this is serendipity.  I'm astonished how the last 8 years of my life are somehow all woven together, almost as if deliberately.  The connections between TNT, LLS, TW, EA, Nike, The Women's Marathon benefitted LLS and was in San Francisco (my favorite city!) ..... Weird?  Coincidental?  Ironic?  I prefer my new favorite word - SERENDIPITY.  It is a pretty word that makes me feel grateful my worlds all meld together so nicely. 

Another shining example of this is my friendship with Francesca in Switzerland...where if all goes well I will meet her in NYC on May 8th and we will share a glass of bubbles together.

Do good things my friends.  You never know when they will come back to you.  Thankfully I was involved with TNT years ago, and raised funds for the disease I would eventually be diagnosed with.

Hi Michigan, What's Up?

I'm from CA.  A Cailfornia girl through and through.  Born and raised in "The OC" and spent the last 10 years living in the best city in the USA, San Francisco.  Currently, I am living in Portland, OR enjoying getting through the loooong winter.  People, it snowed here last weekend.  Thankfully I was in sunny & warm Las Vegas for the annual Tiger Jam fund raiser so I managed to escape the snow.  Crisis averted.

My real point here is not to rag on the great northwest (Mel would slap my wrist again!) and its interesting weather systems/patterns.  It is a beautiful place.  The point I am trying to make is how do I know so many people in Michigan?  Stay with me.  I looked at the ichoosehope.com stats on Google and found that 27.85% of the traffic is coming from the state of Michigan, with 31.51% of the traffic coming from California.  Interesting because I know so few people that live in Michigan! But I do find it really interesting that I get nearly the same traffic from Michagan as I do from California and I spent a good thirtysomething ;) years living there, and I have never even been to Michigan.  Not even for an airport layover!  Are these all Team in Training friends?  I THINK SO!  Hola amigos.  Thanks for your ongoing support and interest here.  I'd also like to give a shout to some new territories I am reaching - Mali (in North Africa...was hoping it was actually Malawi instead of Mali and Madonna as the visitor, but not so much), Mexico, Japan, and the UK.  Crazy!

Back to TNT...Team in Training is cool.  So cool that I am all signed up again for the Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco this coming October.  I am upgrading my last year's WALK to a RUN, but still only the half and not the full.  I know, I know - never say "only" when talking about a half marathon.  It means I am only half as crazy as those that opt for the full!  The half is the perfect distance. I  was actually sad it was ending, and I was cursing when the fulls I have completed were almost over.

Partners in crime for this event will be Katie and Jaime.  Now we just need Melissa, Mom, and Aunt Jan to pull the trigger on TNT so they are with us on the course.

Thanks again, Michigan, for sticking around.  I hope to see you in San Francisco in October!

Hilarious Comparison

I have to get a mammogram this year.  YUK.  It is part of my post-treatment regime of checking every nook and cranny, just like a Thomas' English Muffin.  I have heard they are terrible.  Mammograms, not muffins.  I just had to share this funny bit that my friend wrote to me today.  (And make this lady #2 to reply to my email request!)

I’d like to believe that cancer only happens to other people, but it runs in my family so I have to get checked up, especially breast cancer.  I have to say, I had my very first mammogram last year and it was pretty painful.  Having someone put a vice to your boobs and crank it as tight as they can, in every which way possible is not a fun thing, but something that must be done to catch it early if it happens.  I sure do wonder why with all of the technologies now days, why they have not invented a better way to screen for breast cancer. I think you and I laughed about this, but can you image what a guy would do if they had to do the same thing to their franks or beans? Not gonna happen.

Sorry, I am finding that just totally hilarious...the franks and beans comment.  But so true, if men had to have the equivalent of a mammogram  - you can bet they would have invented a non-painful way of checking things out down below.  Right?

Regardless, I will take the temporary discomfort for a clean bill of health or an early detection of something that isn't quite right.  Thanks for making me smile, Sheri! :)

New Friends :)

A blessing from the big C is meeting new friends.  I have another new one:  Jen from Washington DC.  She wrote to me last week and we have been corresponding a lot since that first email.  She and I have nearly identical stories which I find to be really cool.  She is sharing things with me that I did not know yet, and she read some of the earlier posts here on my blog so she knows some of what might be coming her way as it relates to treatment.  Here is her email to me:

I found your website during my own post-diagnosis Googling, and just wanted to thank you for creating a public record of your journey so that those of us in your footsteps have a sense that the craziness we're in is okay.  I'm actually precisely in your footsteps, offset by one year; I was first diagnosed with my fabulous large B-Cell lymphoma Feb 28th, had my open-chest biopsy March 5th (my 34th birthday), and started chemo March 31st.  I go back down the rabbit hole Monday, round two. 

I loved/stole your headshaving party concept and did the deed myself last night.  I didn't have the time or energy to host a 100-person fundraiser, but still, my 20 best girls and some very stiff cocktails felt celebratory instead of tragic, and I really wanted to thank you for the inspiration.

Sometimes I feel like having an excellent prognosis means that I'm actually not a real cancer patient, like I'm somehow not deserving of the help and support (and wow, have I had some help and support)....reading your blog reminded me that whether I'm fighting for my life or just fighting the cure, this is really hard, and I need people, and it is okay to need help.  So thanks.

When we share our stories, no matter how hard they are to share, it is a gift for someone else.  You might not ever know it, but be comforted that you are helping others.

Thanks, Boys (& Girl)

This is an interesting trend.  About a month ago I asked my inner circle of friends/family to reflect on how my illness last year had an effect on their life.  What did it do to their emotions?  Did they make changes in their own lives?

I have received some replies and have really enjoyed reading them.  Now, if you were to make a guess, who would you think sent the most replies?  The ladies, or the gents?  Not to generalize or stereotype (but I am about to) I am surprised to see that nearly ALL of the replies have come from the gentlemen!  I have ELEVEN replies from the boys and - drum roll..........from the girls I have received.......wait for it.......ONE!  Which is totally OK - there isn't a hard deadline associated with replying to me.  The project I am working on is going to take a while so having replies trickle in from time to time will be good for me.

Some of the guys prefaced their email with things like "this was a really hard assignment" or "when I actually sat down to write out my answers/feelings it became very difficult."  I am so touched that people are taking the time to reflect on the experience as it related to their own lives.  I think that is an important part of the process.  When I was first diagnosed, the wise Gloria Naify said to me, "Amy we are all grieving a loss of innocence" and she was so right.  Suddenly the young people weren't invincible.  It even scared those that are older than me.

Thank you to all who have shared their thoughts with me...in a reply to this email...and over the last year.

Some Advice

Mr. Pekush emailed this to me today and it came at the perfect time.  Aren't friends the best when they just know?  This is from a book by Richard Branson.  It all seems to resonate with me, particularly under BE INNOVATIVE where it says "Play the hand you've been dealt."

JUST DO IT

·        Believe it can be done

·        Have goals

·        Live life to the fullest

·        Never give up

·        Prepare well

·        Have faith in yourself

·        Try and try again

·        Help each other

HAVE FUN

·        Have fun, work hard and money will come

·        Don’t waste time – grab your chances

·        Have a positive outlook on life

·        When it’s not fun, move on

BE BOLD

·        Calculate the risks and take them

·        Believe in yourself

·        Chase your dreams and goals

·        Have no regrets

·        Keep your word

CHALLENGE YOURSELF

·        Aim high

·        Try new things

·        Always try

·        Challenge yourself

STAND ON YOUR OWN FEET

·        Rely on yourself

·        Chase your dreams but live in the real world

·        Work together

LIVE IN THE MOMENT

·        Love life and live it to the fullest

·        Enjoy the moment

·        Reflect on your life

·        Make every second count

·        Don’t have regrets

VALUE FAMILY AND FRIENDS

·        Put family and the team first

·        Be loyal

·        Face problems head on

·        Money is for making things happen

·        Pick the right people and reward talent

HAVE RESPECT

·        Be polite and respectful

·        Do the right thing

·        Keep your good name

·        Be fair in all your dealings

GAIA CAPITALISM

·        Leave the world a better place

·        Pull your weight

·        Take the long-term view

·        Always consider the implications of your actions

·        Big victories are made up of many small ones

·        Confront the big issues, they won’t go away

·        Understand the situation then consider whether to fight and how

·        Never lose sight of the end goal

·        If something is wrong – fix it

SEX APPEAL

·        Be passionate about the brand and make it sexy

·        Use the normal to engage the enemy, the extraordinary to win

·        Walk the talk

·        Create excitement in everything you do

·        If something needs doing, do it yourself

·        Look beyond the obvious and put your ass on the line

BE INNOVATIVE

·        Nothing is impossible

·        Think creatively

·        The system is not sacred

·        To win you have to break the rules

·        Play the hand you’ve been dealt

·        Find another way

DO SOME GOOD

·        Change the world, even if in a small way

·        Make a difference and help others

·        Do no harm

·        Always think what you can do to help

POW! SHAZAM!

·        Speed is the ultimate competitive weapon

·        Be first in the field

·        Do it now

·        Keep it simple

·        Cut the red tape

·        Keep your eye on the ball

THINK YOUNG

·        You’ve got to challenge the big ones

·        Keep it casual

·        Haggle: everything is negotiable

·        Have fun working

·        Do the right things for the brand

·        Smile for the cameras

·        Don’t lead sheep, herd cats

·        Move like a bullet

·        Small is beautiful

·        Be a common, regular person

Wednesday

A big day for Special K.  We will learn just what exactly "in transit melanoma" means other than what we know from Google which is that despite getting part of her thumb amputated earlier this year to get rid of it her cancer could now be more than 5cm from the original site.  It is on the move...and we have all chosen to not push any panic buttons.  The information will be delivered tomorrow.  It is like a verdict coming in.  So scary.  Special K is now in waters I am unfamiliar with so I can only hope to support her the way she wants and the way that is best for her.  I am learning from you as you experience a recurrence...you're showing us all how to be brave and face a challenge with grace.

Thanks to everyone for your warm wishes, thoughts, and prayers for her...

And in the year of anniversaries - I missed one yesterday!  April 14th, 2007 was the night of the big head shaving extravaganza in San Francisco.  I have a few inches of hair now.  It is weird.

Hola Amigos

I'm going to Mexico tomorrow for 3 glorious nights in Cabo San Lucas for my friend's wedding.  Said friend, Jillian, was a major lifeline for me last year.  March 5th sort of went like this:  I drove to work and found out I had cancer on the way there.  I called Buck.  I knew he was freaking out.  I hated to do this to him.  I went to see the doctor so she could give me some internet print outs on lymphoma and discuss next steps.  I didn't cry.  I left her office and drove towards EA, my employer.  I called Erika (the one who suggested I ask for a chest xray - dear Lord do I ever "owe you one" Erika) and asked her to meet me across the street at Starbucks.  I handed her the papers about lymphoma because I couldn't say the words.  Cancer was inside of me.  I told her I wouldn't be coming to work today.  She, um, understood and said to not worry about a thing.  Then I was like, "what do I do now?"  Go home?  Go find a doctor?  Cry?  Take a walk?  I decided to go see Jillian.  She had closely dealt with a friend, fairly recently, who sadly, lost her battle with cancer.  (Love and miss you, Mary :) )  I knew Jillian would be calm, organized, objective, and wouldn't cry either.  Rosen worked in her office and I knew he would make me laugh.  He did.  On the way to Jillian's I called Brandi.  She was about to go to Runyon with Steve.  I felt bad telling her "the news isn't good..." and I can't remember if I said I have cancer or lymphoma to her.  I got to Jillian's and she was perfect.  She already knew so I wasn't dropping a bomb.  I am pretty sure Erika called her before I got there, but I am unclear on these details.  She made me tea and we looked up doctors on the internet.  She found one, Dr. Ranjana Advani at Stanford that was a super lymphoma GURU.  I wanted her, and only her, to treat me.  I left Jillian's and drove to Stanford and tried to get Ranjana to see me that day.  Har dee har har.  What a laugh!  The receptionist probably held in chuckles at how naive I was to the process.  "Do you have an appt?"  No.  "Have you gotten a biopsy yet?"  Um, no, I just found about an hour ago.  "Do you have a PET scan result?"  No, what is a PET Scan?  "What do you have?"  I think lymphoma.  "What kind?"  I don't know.  "What stage is your cancer?"  Wait, I have cancer?  So, I left.  Defeated and nervous how the process would continue.  Enter Jillian Goldberg - stage right.  Perfectly tenacious in every way.  I got an appointment with my referred oncologist - Dr. Priya Chakravarthi.  Wait, what about Ranjana Adavani?  I only want her.  She is the best of the best according to the internet.  (Thanks for inventing it, Al Gore!)  Jillian comes with me two days later.  March 7th was the day I first laid eyes on the young woman, Dr. Priya, who would eventually star in this reality show of my life with cancer.  She's the headliner.  Fast forward to the last page in the book and Priya saved my life.  But Jillian was there in critical moments when I needed someone to help me steer the Titanic.  It was a giant slow moving ship that needed careful navigation and she was nothing short of perfect.

This weekend is Jillian's wedding!  I'm beyond thrilled to be healthy enough to attend this celebration with some of my most dear friends from San Francisco.  Jillian marrying Knute...Erika will be there with Matt and their radical son DANGER, Rosen will make me laugh all weekend and my partner in crime The lovely Trudy Muller.  MY EA FAVORITES!  But seriously, Jillian, the weekend of the Masters?  My first year at Nike Golf and you choose the weekend of the Masters?  You know who says "nice timing, Goldberg!"

So en Espanol I give you a big gracias, felicidades, and mucho amore, JG!

And for those praying for and sending good vibes to my special friend...she has a PET scan on Monday and awaits results from it on Wednesday.  It is a long week of waiting to hear just how "in transit" the cancer is.  Thanks for your prayers and thoughts...it means a whole bunch to all of us.

Adios, amigos. :)

Masters Week

The biggest week golf has to offer fans is this week.  The Masters.  If you like golf, you want to at least put your big toe on the grounds of Augusta National once in your life.  It is the toughest ticket in sports to get your hands on.  I was lucky enough to go in 2005 when Tiger won in a thrilling playoff against Chris DiMarco (also a favorite of mine).  It was also the year of the shot.  Yes, THAT shot.  The famous one.  It was electrifying to say the least.  I wrote a recap back then on what it was like.  Here it is again - if you're interested.  This week there are several Nike athletes hoping to slip in to a green jacket next Sunday.  Good luck, gentlemen!

It was my first trip to Augusta , GA and I was lucky enough to be there for the 2005 Masters.

Wow.

I don’t know if I was so excited because it was the Masters, or because Tiger played so well.  Fee ling a personal connection to the guy out there playing (and ultimately winning) was really exciting.  When they both finished with a final round of -12 my heart rate could barely stand to watch the playoff hole.  If I were at home, I would have turned off the TV because I hate close games when my teams are playing.  I got to see Tiger get the green jacket put on him by Phil (one of my least favorites).  Tiger got really choked up during this ceremony at the 18^th green and talked about how he wanted to give his dad a hug.  Everyone gathered around was touched to see the “human” Tiger talking about his dad who is batt ling cancer.

If you are interested in a more detailed recap in the form of my own Sportscenter highlight reel, read on.  It was amazing, and I hope all of you golf nuts get the chance to go at least once in your lifetime.  It's well worth it.

Amy

Southern Hospitality 

Walking in on Saturday morning when the gates opened at 8am – every security person warmly greeted the people “Welcome to Augusta National” with hand shakes and genuine smiles.  They are all volunteers.

Polite Southern Rules

We bought chairs to carry around and sit on when we felt like staying for the action.  If you take your chair and leave it at a hole, it’s like cal ling “I get the front!” when you are a little kid and running errands in the car with mom, your brother and sister.  We left our chairs at the 18^th green at 8am on Sunday morning in a prime spot.  We came back that afternoon to watch all of the pairs play through and our spots were still there.

Cheap Food

Go to any sporting event and get a beer and hot dog – you are shel ling out $10 or more.  We grabbed 2 sandwiches, 2 sodas, 2 bags of chips, and a candy bar.  I had $40 in my hand to pay when she says “That will be $9.25”.  I said “For all that?!”  She laughs “Yes, everyone always says that!!”  For all the grandeur of Augusta National, to be eating an egg salad sandwich on Wonder Bread was kind of cool.  The Pimento Cheese is the signature sandwich.  Get one.  Beers are $1.50.  Get lots.

Simple But Amazing

For so many reasons, there are no giant billboards with corporate sponsors logos.  What a nice treat.  It allows the course to be the star of the show and it is stunning.  TV does not do it justice.  It is VERY hilly and the greens are so undulated I can’t believe the ball does not roll off more.  Guess they are good! J The colors of the flowers in the trees makes your jaw drop.  I want Amen Corner to be my backyard.  There is not so much as a blade of grass that is out of place.

Litter

Dropped something?  Don’t worry, by the time you turn around to pick it up, a young kid in yellow coveralls (like the caddy’s white ones), a green canvas sack over his shoulder, and a yellow hat with green letters in nice calligraphy that says “Litter” has already picked it up.  Most of them have had players sign their hats.

Lawn Mowers Between Rounds

Due to the rain on Thurs/Fri I was fortunate enough to catch 3 rounds of the tournament in the 2 days I was there.  Both Sat & Sun they played 27 holes.  After they played the back nine of the third round on Sunday morning, they had to reset all of the pins and get the grounds ready for the big final round.  I was standing at the 1^st tee.  Suddenly, as if they were dropped from the sky, 16 lawn mowers come from the 1^st green, up the fairway, all riding in a diagonal line formation (think Blue Angels, but with lawnmowers).  They all mow in one direction because Hootie doesn’t like the stripes on the fairway.  It all looks one lush green color.

Then these people come out with these things that look like long fishing poles to "sweep" after the mowers.  They even out the grass without harming it.  These people are superinendents of golf courses from all over the world that get invited to come and do this.  It's manual labor, and it's a great honor to be invited to do this.  I think getting your foot on a fairway is considered a top honor.  Crazy.

Crowds

As much at the athletes, the crowds play a key role at this event.  It’s a simple and traditionally set up tournament.  No jumbotrons to watch other shots happening.  You depend on the crowd to roar.  I was at the 18^th green when Tiger hit his already famous chip-in on 16.  The place went NUTS.  I got the chills.  We all wondered what happened – was that for Tiger or DiMarco?  We didn’t know until after the tournament ended and the people at the 16^th made it back to the 18^th to start tel ling the story.

Rumor About Augusta National

Clifford Roberts (founder of Augusta ) committed suicide on hole #8 of the par 3 course in 1971.  He is rumored to be buried under the bunker on the 10^th hole of the regular course.  It’s the only bunker on the whole course that hasn’t been redone in all of the recent changes to the course.

Generous Winners

All past Masters winners have donated one club of their choice from their bag that day that all hang on a “Grid” in their clubhouse.  I didn’t get inside to see it (Hootie told me to get lost ), but heard it is cool.  Thankfully, Tiger won $1.2MM so he can afford a replacement iron.

Practice Ranges

There are two, and they are more pristine than the best looking hole at your local country club.