I Choose Hope: Thanks to Cancer...

If it weren't for the big C, I wouldn't have met Francesca. For those of you that don't know who I am talking about, please settle in and get cozy. This may be a long one, but I hope you find it is worth the read.

I became a blogger about a year ago. So funny. A blogger. Me?! I followed the lead of my brother Allan that has a blog about politics. We're VERY different when it comes to politics so it is fun to spy on his views - even if they're wrong! ;) I kid, I kid! But he paved the way...and I was about to begin sharing my journey with cancer with my friends and family. I didn't really expect anyone else to be interested.

My blog has a click on the side that allows people to email me if they want. I have received hundreds of emails from all over the world and I have replied to every single one. I have met some really wonderful people and some that are becoming friends. On December 12, 2007 I received the following email from a woman in Switzerland called Francesca...

Dear Amy:
hi, my name is Francesca. Nice to meet you.
No idea how I found your blog, but glad I did.
So much in common,
34 y/o
really healthy
no symptoms ( well, I did have an occasional night sweat but had NO idea that it could mean cancer??)
BANG on March 21st -ER due to stomach ache
soooo many test (u know them all!)
march 28
NHL Stage 4 ...
major chemo journey
In remission since 8/23

have since moved to Switzerland
so much from what I read on your blog are same feelings...
but .. like you.. I CHOOSE HOPE and BACK OFF CANCER (name of my blog!) is what I say..everyday!

many blessings
drop me a line if you feel like it
ciao
Francesca

I loved the name of her blog. BACK OFF CANCER, in all caps, and with three exclamation points !!! that appear in the header bar when you go there. We corresponded back and forth, on and off, over the next few months and shared things we have in common, and some things we don't have in common. For example, Francesca is married and has a gorgeous little boy, Leonardo. I can't relate to those feelings about being a mother that was sick while she also had a child to care for, but we could share the fear and anxiety that comes with facing cancer. Francesca is also in remission and enjoying her new life with her boys in Switzerland. She is Italian, raised in Brazil, and during her treatment she lived in NYC. Could she be any more exotic and international? I'm just a boring California girl...born and raised. Yawn.

In January, I began to write about my anxiety, my "scan-xiety", as my PET/CT scan approached on February 4th, 2008. Other cancer patients and survivors have explained this is totally normal. Still, it was hard for me to get the thought out of my mind that something could be there. Yes, choose hope was the phrase that carried me through the last year, but my mind easily wandered back to THAT PLACE. The weekend before I was diagnosed I was so sure, 100% confident, never a doubt in my mind that whatever I did have would not be cancer. Buck and I laughed at the thought. So, here I was again, certain that there wouldn't be anything C related there, yet vividly remembering the last time I had such confidence - it was there. Then, out of the blue I received this note, the morning of February 4th, the day of my scan:

Dear Amy: Thinking of you as this day of nerves begin.... have a mantra to be saying during those 27 minutes that the PET machine passes through you.... I must say that my last 2 PET scans gave me one of the best meditations moments of my life... liberating myself of fear and bad thoughts and just thinking and envisioning GOOD ...
I know the fear of the unknown and the fear of a relapse is HUGE ( I am dealing with that myself as I feel a bit more tired than usual...) ...
but ALL will be good and as my best friend told me 5 minutes before my last exam ( while everyone could only say : It will be nothing!) ..she said: I think it will be nothing but if the SOB decided that wants Round 2 of a fight... We will fight it all the way!

many kisses , warm hugs all the way from Switzerland..

when u can, pls keep me posted

There she was. Again. Cheering for me all the way from the other side of the world. I don't even know her!? As the story goes on, I received great news from Priya that day, that my cancer was still in remission and the big C did not rear its ugly head on my scan. BACK OFF CANCER!

Shortly after mine, Francesca began to focus on her upcoming PET/CT scan. All of the anxiety I had experienced was now going on in the mind of my new friend, Francesca. I knew how she felt. I had just been there. We continue to write to each other.....and one day, I received this note from her:

oh Amy.. Amy:

It was just last week that it "clicked" and I went frantically searching in my inbox for Betina's email from post Marathon and saw her pic album and saw YOUR photo... I couldn't believe it either... Totally meant to be... My dear cancer sister.. .

Anyway my dear... thanks for listening...
And if I go to SF.. you bet I will be running.walking/crawling... lets find a way... ( to be continued)

a big kiss and a warm hug... and I am thankful for Betina, and the Girlfriend Goddesses that put us together.. .

ciao ciao
Francesca

OK, stay with me. Betina is Francesca's dear friend from Brazil. Betina did the SF Nike Women's Marathon with Team In Training and was at the pasta party the night before the marathon - so Betina happened to hear me give my speech. (Go to www.youtube.com and enter 'amy bartlett' in the search bar to see it if you'd like. It is broken up in to two parts.) Betina took a picture of my face on the jumbotron and had it in her Snapfish reel of photos from her weekend and had shared it with Francesca. Francesca wrote this on her blog March 6th:

Last year, BEFORE I was diagnosed, B. signed up for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Team in Training Nike Marathon in San Francisco, that was going to take place in Oct of 07. I was proud of her, committed to help her with $$$ and cheer and encourage her decision. I HAD NEVER MET ANYONE WITH either LEUKEMIA OR LYMPHOMA.

After I was DX, B. called me to tell me that she was running for me, as an honoree and that my name was going to be on her T Shirt. I felt honored.. but who wants to be on someone T-Shirt because they have cancer , right? ( I am so very honored that have been on that T Shirt and will be forever in dept to B and the thousands of others to help raise $$ and awareness for this BIG NASTY C>)

But the summer kept going.. I follow B. training progress as I got sicker and sicker.

Fast Forward a few months and in October I received B. email saying that she had completed her half marathon and that the experience was incredible ... and in her email, and her pictures.. she mentioned "this woman" that had spoken at her Pre Marathon dinner and that had really made an impression on B.

Now, I am sure we are all the same and when we hear people talk about "this woman". .or "that person".. and you have no real connection to her/him.. seldom "this person " stays in your thoughts.... BUT THIS WOMAN DID.. .I did not know her name .. or nothing but I remember B. mentioned that she also was YOUNG, HEALTHY and HAD BEEN HIT WITH THE BIG C... a very similar kind to the one I had.

Fast Forward another few weeks....

From an article, to someones blog.. to another blog ( or what I now call "Blog Hopping") .. I stumbled into this web blog called I CHOOSE HOPE from a Lovely Young Woman called Amy Bartlet .... GUESS WHAT??????? AMY is THAT WOMAN.....

Amy and I communicate often.. I follow her survivor journey and feel a special connection to her. I know exactly how she felt and I know she knows exactly how I felt THAT DAY . .the day you hear you have the BIG C... the fears.. anxiety... sense of loss...

My journey and Amy's is wickedly similar.. .we are the same age, we were DX just 2 weeks a part and are both , we both had special experiences as we shaved our heads, we have wonderful friends and family and THANKFULLY we are both in remission and have began lives in new lands...

I hope one day we will actually meet in person, and enjoy a Bubbly together... WE HAVE LOADS TO CELEBRATE !!!

And that brings me to last Thursday evening...Francesca was going to be in NYC for one evening only. On her way home from a "Thelma & Louise" weekend with her best friend. They rented a convertible in Miami and thankfully didn't end their trip the same way the movie did! When she said she would be in NYC, my wheels started turning. I love NYC. And I happen to be in Florida that week for work. How could we be on the same coast line and not meet face to face?

As Francesca said on her blog: "I hope one day we will actually meet in person, and enjoy a bubbly together..." Please see below...NYC...Thursday May 8th, 2008. My 1 year anniversary of remission was the night before, May 7th. What a fitting way to celebrate. With bubbly, and my cancer soul-sister, Francesca. I CHOOSE HOPE and BACK OFF CANCER !!!

Francesca's red bracelet on her wrist was one of mine from the Head Shaving Party that says I CHOOSE HOPE. I only had 2 left. So I brought it for her, and I kept the last one. Probably time to make some more!

Comments

tsk...tsk... here I am...in tears again...
Amy my dear... my week away was special but meeting you and having that celebratory bubbly is the true proof that even the big nasty C. can bring love to ones life...
thanks for coming... cant wait for meeting number II.. my friends are all in love with you ... stay well my dear and i will email u offline...
a big huge kiss

Posted by: Francesca | May 12, 2008 at 08:38 AM

Ah my goodness. Nothing like Amy's blog to give me the chills and smiley tears on what started out to be a poopy Monday. You are both too lovely for words.

Posted by: Candice Uyloan | May 12, 2008 at 05:20 PM