I Choose Hope

Stride

I reently reconnected with a grade school friend on Facebook.  She was one of my best friends in fifth through eighth grade at OLQA - Our Lady Queen of Angels and then at MDHS - Mater Dei High School.  We've had the BEST time recounting stories of our mischief and hilarious memories.  She had been thinking of her song for my list and she emailed me yesterday:

It came to me out of nowhere at two in the morning, but it works.

The song is "Break My Stride" by Matthew Wilder (I had to look it up). I remember you LOVED that song in 6th grade and we used to cruise around the mall walking as fast as we could, singing the song, and laughing.

I think the song is perfect for this event -- you didn't let cancer break your stride. And if you hit the wall during the marathon, you can use this as motivation to keep going!

While perusing iTunes, I discovered that various artists have covered the song. So choose the one that you like the best!

Thanks, Amy D.!  How awesome that after all of these years we have found each other and can laugh about all of those good times.  We have to keep FB stalking and finding more friends!!

Also for the playlist - we have Beautiful Day by U2 and On Broadway by George Benson.  I love them both.  (Thanks, Coach K!)

So...I'm trying to go unelectronic for the next 10 days or so.  No laptop.  No phone.  No BlackBerry.  We'll see how long I last.  I'm off for a restful vacation with my friends...... Bali here I come.

Be well, folks.  xo

Saying Farewell

From Left to Right:  Kim, Me, Jen.  Not pictured in the empty seat:  Dino Scoppettone.

The Scene:  Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk

The Ride:  Giant Dipper

We left for Dino's memorial on Sunday with plenty of time to spare.  There might be beach traffic so we allowed 2 hours.  No traffic.  So, we were 1.5 hours early for Dino's memorial.  We randomly ended up dead ending at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk.  I went there every summer as a kid when visiting my cousins Carrie and Dave.  As we drove around, we all got that giddy excitement when you're 8 years old and want to go on the rides.  There it was - the front row parking spot.  This was meant to be.  Jen masterfully parallel parked and we checked the meter that had almost 1.5 hours to spare.  This was happening.  Jen bought us our tickets as someone asked the three of us wearing dresses and heels, "Are you here for Dale & Tara's wedding?"

"Nope.  We're here for a memorial celebration of our friend Dino.  He would have liked this."

We cracked up while we were in line.  We were even more hysterical while riding the coaster.  For $10, we purchased the low resolution grainy photo you see above.  After the memorial service we showed the photo to Dino's dad.  He said, "And guess who is there in that empty seat with you?"

While it was tough to say goodbye to Dino on Sunday, it was one of the more amazing funeral/tributes I have ever been to.  Dino would have loved it.  They opened it with "Band on the Run" and ended with "Viva la Vida".  We ate, drank, laughed, cried, told stories of Dino, hugged, and loved one another.

It has been hard to lose a friend to cancer.  I'm reminded that there is something to be thankful for every day of my life.  I will miss the bond I had delevoped with Dino, but I can still feel it if I close my eyes.

I'm not sure what else to say about him other than - you will be missed by many, Dino.  Keep on the journey...and always Viva La Vida.

Thanks for all of you who sent your support.  I'm so lucky to have such a great network of friends. 

Dino Scoppettone

Rest in peace, my dear friend.  I'm humbled by your courage and bravery.  I will miss you very much.  I promise I will keep fighting cancer so that someday this world can be cancer free.  You're a real hero.  I had never met one in person, until you.

Dino's dad posted a note at dinosjourney.blogspot.com shortly after Dino passed.  It was less than a few hours ago this evening.  I invite you all to read it or have a look on Dino's blog.

There is another star in the sky -- Dino Scoppettone.

Calling All Deejays :)

The first $100 donation to the Lance Armstrong Foundation has been made by one of my high school friends Jeff, and his wife Christy.  Gracias to Facebook for getting about 30 of the Mater Dei Monarchs together.  Jeff chose the song "Lose Yourself" by Eminem.  Here is why:

"This will probably seem like an odd choice of songs, but the words always ring true to me. It talks about living in the moment, never giving up and that nobody but ourselves can deal with our issues or inner deamons.  It is also a great song to run/work out to and hopefully it will give you a little kick should you need it. I know you always remembered me as a rapper...I wish you all the success and happiness you deserve."

So there you have it.  Simple as that.  Donate $100 (or more) to the Lance Armstrong via the link below and you get to be in my head for the duration of your song choice.  Should I be scared?

http://www.livestrong.org/grassroots2008/amybartlett

Continued prayers for Dino are appreaciated...he is resting comfortably with his family all gathered around his bedside.  If only cancer medicine was as strong as our friend, Dino.

Please Pray for Dino

My dear friend Dino, my cancer brother, my fellow former EA Sports co-worker, the Dave Matthews Band loving bass player -- is having a really rough go at it right now.  On the heels of just reporting that we have lost Leroy Sievers to cancer this morning, I return home from Whole Foods to find that Dino is currently on defense.  This message was just posted on his "We HEART Dino Scoppettone" Facebook page:

With heavy heart and much sadness, I am writing on behalf of Dino's family to let you know that Dino's fight against cancer has turned for the worse. As many of you know, as of last week, Dino has been going through chemotherapy to help prevent the return of his rare sarcoma that he has has been battling over the last few months. The chemotherapy and drug treatment that Dino is on isn't slowing down the spread of cancer cells in his body. The cancer has come back full force and has now spread throughout his entire body and is now affecting his internal organs and causing him too much pain. Dino and his family have made the decision to discontinue the chemotherapy and cancer medications slowly and only keep his pain medications active to allow Dino to be comfortable and at rest.

At his parent's request, they have opened up visitation at the hospital for all his friends and family to come, support him and tell him that he is loved.

Dino called me as soon as he was diagnosed.  It was only a couple of months ago.  We talked for hours about what the road may be like.  We texted each other often and I would remind him that cancer isn't for sissies which is why it picked him.  I shared with him my story.  He was ready to be brave and take his medicine.  Whatever it would take.  This is where it hurts the most.  He was 100% certain that the only potential outcome would be to kick cancer ass.  His attitude is unreal.

Unforturnately, we are reminded about the power of cancer once again.  It is RELENTLESS which is why we must get it and give it a major beatdown.  Kick its ass.  It is cruel and a nasty monster.

Please pray for Dino to rest comfortably, for his parents, his family ... ... I really just do not know what to say anymore.  It's not fair feels inappropriate, but it really isn't.

Love you, Dino.  Hang tough kid.

Offense vs. Defense

If you don't have the ball you can't score.  If you don't have the ball you want the ball.  I want to keep the ball because I didn't like being on defense very much.  Right now I have the ball and I want to score a lot.  Cancer intercepted on Leroy (see below post) and scored.  Leroy could no longer defend against such a beast as cancer. 

WE HAVE TO STAY ON THE OFFENSE.

I am beginning to raise funds for the Lance Armstrong Foundation.  I'm on the LiveSTRONG Army and will run the NYC Marathon on November 2nd with Lance + 100 members on the team.  We will be proudly wearing yellow while we run throughout my 2nd favorite U.S. city.  (My heart will always be in San Francisco.)

I'd like to invite you to consider making a donation.  This foundation is helping me transition from "cancer patient" to "cancer survivor" and navigate the choppy waters of surviving.  I know it sounds easy, especially compared to Leroy, but emotionally it is filled with struggles.  This last week was a particularly tough one for me.  I'll spare you the details for now, I am not really ready to share it all in this forum.  (But I am still healthy so please don't worry that I am not.)

I've been bragging at length about my love for the Nike+ system and how much it motivates me to keep training.  I've decided to open up my Playlist for marathon day and let you all be the deejay.  It is as simple as this:  You make a donation - You pick a song.  And please tell me why you have picked that song.  The idea behond this is that while I run my little heart out on November 2nd, and "your song" comes on, I get to spend that 3 or so minutes thinking about you and why you have chosen that song for me.  I get to think about you and who you are in my life.  Maybe we have known each other since grade school, maybe you're in my family, maybe we work together, maybe we've never met?  I get to be thankful for you while I am taking my mind off of how my feet or body hurts.

It goes a little something like this...

• Donate $100 and you pick one song.
• Donate $250 and you pick 3 songs.
• Donate $500+ and you pick 10 songs.

I suspect I have at least 100 songs to get - at least - since my projected time will be somewhere in the 5:30 - 6:00 hours range.  If you suggest a song I already own, that's great.  If not, I will purchase the song from iTunes and add it to the marathon playlist.  I will publish the list once it is complete.

You can pick whatever song you want.  But please think of me and what I will be doing when you make your selection.  I love songs like "All These Things That I've Done" by The Killers, "Bad" by U2, "I Run For Life" by Melissa Etheridge ... and my cliche cancer survivor songs like Journey's "Don't Stop Believin" or Destiny's Child "Survivor" which are two songs I played to and from every radiation appointment last summer.  I'm thinking I need some hip-hop, country, rock, pop...I like it all.  Perhaps there is a song that is "our song" from a time in our lives that made us smile?  Tish you could suggest Vuela Vuela or She Bangs by Ricky Martin.  Katie - naturally could choose something from Grease.  You're the deejay.  (Be nice!)  :)

Here is the link to donate:  http://www.livestrong.org/grassroots2008/amybartlett

Email me your song choices to [email protected].

Thanks for your continued support.  I will update my progress often so check back from time to time.

Rest In Peace...Leroy Sievers

Leroy was a broadcast journalist for ABC.  To me, he was the author of one of my favorite blogs called My Cancer.  He died this morning.  Only 53 years old.  He beat colon cancer back in 2001 and unfortunately it returned in late 2005 with a terminal diagnosis.  Faced with a finish line much earlier than he should have, he faced his cancer this way:

"After that day, your life is never the same. "That day" is the day the doctor tells you, "You have cancer." Every one of us knows someone who's had to face that news. It's scary, it's sad. But it's still life, and it's a life worth living."

I'm crying tears for a man I have never met.  Leroy posted daily, Monday through Friday and was honest, humorous, and factual.  I feel like I knew him personally.  He shared the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Just 2 days ago, Thursday, he posted something about sitting in his bed with his dog.  His newly acquired hospital bed that was in his home.  A decision to bring the hospital in to his home was not easy.   A boy and his dog - comrades in cancer.  The simplicity of the way he wrote made me aware he just wanted to be a normal man.  Not always the patient.  Yesterday, his wife Laurie posted for him...

On any normal day, this would just be a really bad thunderstorm rumbling its way across the summer sky.

But it's not a normal day and the rumbling is more like the growl of a predator stalking its prey.

Leroy's cancer is making its move.

I guess we all knew this day would come. The day when his doctor would say the medicine needs to be stronger.

The day when I would need to be stronger still.

For you, Leroy.  Thank you for sharing your life with us.  For bearing your soul to the world.  For sharing Laurie with us when you couldn't be the one to type the blog entry.  I hope you're in heaven driving your Jeep around and giving everyone the secret Jeep wave.

No Excuse to "Not Run" Tonight - I'm A Healthy Girl!

Living in a world of quarterly check-ups is emotionally draining and stressful.  Of course I am so lucky that I am in the place I am with my health.  Some aren't as lucky and I do know and appreciate I am very fortunate.  It's not always easy to see that the glass if half full though.  I try and fight the urges I get to disappear in to the "Why Me?" category.  It's just emotional I guess.  That's all I am saying. 

As I arrived at the doctor's office earlier this morning, I was quickly reminded how just one year ago, I was the one wearing the wig, I was the one with the scarf on my head, I was the one with the IV pole at my side.  Too bad the latest craze of pole-dancing workouts wasn't hip last summer.  I could have started a whole new trend in the chemo lounge.  So even though I was having some mild sort of hot-flash as I walked in, I was grateful to be in the position I am at.  Things can ALWAYS be worse.

We talked about my anxiety and the sweats.  First - the anxiety is causing me to lose sleep.  Ambien prescription is renewed so I can at least get help falling asleep.  It's the waking up 4-5 times a night that is exhausting.  More yoga.  More relaxation.  Just try to relax about it.  If possible.  Second - the sweats.  This could be a hormone thing.  Dear lord did I not get the memo that I am actually 55 years old and getting "a case of the vapors" (as Rob would say) for THAT reason?  Thankfully Dr. Brandon doesn't feel that is the case.  He orders labs and will have my blood tested for hormone levels.  He did utter the words HRT and I put them right out if my head.  Doesn't that stuff make women grow beards?  That's all I need.

Next up - the physical exam.  He could not detect any lumps or bumps.  Good times.  I am feeling better already.  Although, rewind 1.5 years and we couldn't feel anything when there was stage III cancer in my chest.  But with a clean PET scan from June - he feels that everything is OK right now.  If I want a PET scan right now he will order it.  I decline and agree to revisit it after vacation.  I want to go on vacation free from cancerous thoughts.  And thankfully, all signs do point to the cancer still being gone.

So then he says..."Where are you going on vacation?"  I smile and say, "Bali.  For 10 days with my best friends."  Then I realized I might actually be 55 because as I described how excited I was to get there and do yoga, take walks, train for my upcoming marathons, and drink tea - I realized that my idea of a vacation are no longer "young" where we would strategize how to to get super tan without getting burnt, find the cute boys, at the happiest hours with the cheapest beer, and wake up hungover every day just to do it all over again.  OK, so I am getting a little older.  But I think I like this kind of vacation much better.  RELAX.

So, this was a long drawn out story about how I am healthy and lucky to be exactly where I am at.  Thanks to all for your emails, texts, calls....and support.

Please keep Dino in your thoughts - chemo is kicking him hard right now.  Things are looking up for DC Jen too...she's done with chemo and radiation seems to be treating her OK...

That's all folks. 

Happy Birthday Rob!  Happy Birthday (yesterday) KT!

Thursday

My quarterly check-up is on Thursday, August 14th.  Yep, that's in two days.  I really don't have much to say...so, until then...hope you're having a great week everyone.

(Thanks in advance for the good vibes.)

Hi Super Fan

Dear you-know-who-you-are :)

Thank you for letting me know you are on the edge of your seat for me to update the blog.  Gosh, that's so nice!  I can't think of anything to write about though.  I have writer's block.  Chatty Cathy is at a loss for words right now.  Quickly:  I was in Tahoe Thurs - Sun with part of my family.  It was awesome and yes, I DID RUN - stats to be reported later.  Altitude made it tough, but I did get two 4 mile runs in along stunning Lake Tahoe which was awesome.  Noteworthy:  "new Amy" exercised while on vacation.  A first.  I left Lake Tahoe and headed straight for lovely Detroit.  Wasssup' Michigan?  It was a great time at the Oakland Hills Golf Course - home of this week's PGA Championship.  Weird to have a Tiger-less major, but it was awesome to see the rest of the Nike Golf line up present.  I also worked out in this leg of the trip, but if I am being honest I'm nervous for Saturday's 15 miler.  Eeek.  (And Paul W:  Sorry I missed seeing you in person!  Go Team!)

In other news, I have the first symptoms of scanxiety as my next PET/CT scan is in about a month.  I wake up 4-5 times a night so I'm tired a lot.  A string of cat naps is hardly to be classified as meaningful rest but its all I am getting.  I'm afraid to take Ambien all the time.  I don't want to grow dependent.  It's not "addictive" but it can be habit forming, I think.  Or a dependency. Maybe I am saying it wrong.  The next scan is on my mind a lot.  On the flight home to Portland yesterday I cried for no apparent reason.  Poor guy in 13B since 13A (me) was a boo-hoo'er for most of the flight.  (Sidebar:  US Airways is awful.  $2 for water or a coke?  Are you kidding me?  $40 to check my bags?  Come on, people!)  I think I am nervous because some of the times I wake up night I am sweating.  "Night sweats" isn't the best of signs for someone like me (for anyone really).  I'm chalking them up to hormones right now so I don't push a panic button and freak out unnecessarily.  But 1.5 years ago unbeknownst to me night sweats were a symptom of advanced stage cancer in my chest.  I'm on the fence about calling the new oncologist too.  I have a vacation planned with 3 of my very best friends starting on Aug 29th.  We are going to Bali for 10 days and I'd kind of like to go on that trip believing that everything from the June scan is still accurate.  That would make me cancer free for almost 15 months.  I don't know what to do about it.  I am torn.  What would you do if you were me?

Congrats to Lorcan for achieving PR in the SF 1/2 Marathon.  Can't wait for Oct.  Congrats Gina for "accidentally" running the full SF instead of the 1/2.  Who does that?  You're awesome.